What's on my mind

I got a call from my grandpa. He called to tell me that my uncle Mike had passed away. They found him on the floor of his home in Pocatello. They figure it had something to do with alcohol. On the phone, I told Pompa that I loved him and that I was so, so sorry. I told him this a few times. This was mingled with updates of how everyone was doing and talk of how fast time seems to go. I didn't really know what to say other than that. He seemed so calm, like he expected it sooner or later, like he had resigned himself to this outcome long ago.
Pompa is 86. He has outlived my grandma and 3 of his 4 children.
My grandma died in 1991. She had been addicted to prescription drugs which had ruined her stomach. She died from complications stemming from that.
Kory died in 1998. He had ruined his liver drinking and needed a transplant but couldn't give up the alcohol so was never eligible for the transplant.
My mom seemed to be the steady, stable one of the bunch. Or at least until around the time my parents got a divorce. Long story short, she was an alcoholic for 10 years of my childhood and was also addicted to prescription drugs. She overdosed in May of 1999.
Now Mike dies from the same kind of thing.
Stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I hate it.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
My Aunt Kim is the only one left and I'm afraid it's only a matter of time...only a matter of time.
So sad what alcohol and substance abuse can do to a family. I used to not talk about it. I don't know if I was embarrassed or just didn't want reminded. Now I have kids and I decided a while ago that I HAVE to be real open about this. No avoiding the issue, sweeping it under the rug, or trying to shelter them from it. I HAVE to be very clear.
We live in a world today with many entitled, self-serving people. The idea that I can do what I want, when I want and you can't do or say anything about it is the common theme. So many people see alcohol as their gateway to fun and that it's the lesser of the addictive evils or not even bad at all (and don't tell them otherwise or you'll get an ear full).
I'm here to tell you, that's not true.
To me, everybody that takes that first drink, or takes that first try of any addictive substance, is playing a game of russian roulette.
Are you going to be able to handle it?
Does addiction run somewhere in your family?
Is something traumatic going to happen further down the road and you'll come to rely on this as your way to deal?
Are you going to take it a little to far one night in the name of fun and do something stupid that effects the whole rest of your life or someone else's?
I could go on and on.
Russian roulette.
I've never touched alcohol other than to have dumped it down the sink a few times. Not only do I hate it with a passion but it scares me to death. Any addictive substance. I had a cyst two years ago and was in so much pain. They sent me home with some heavy pain killers and I was scared to take them. I finally ended up throwing them away. A little dramatic, right? Maybe. I just know what those kinds of things did to my family and I am absolutely determined that the cycle stops RIGHT HERE. You can't become an addict if you never take that first try.
I am so terrified for when my kids grow up. When they start going places and doing things where I can't be with them all of the time. When people or friends might offer them things and they are on their own. Geez, they are pretty much at that age now! I have told them all flat out what happened to my mom, uncles, grandma, and other relatives. I have told them bluntly that the same thing will probably happen to them if they take that first try. I'll scare it into them if I have to because the alternative would utterly and completely break my heart.
I can't even imagine how it has been for my grandpa throughout most of his life to watch his family sink into a seemingly endless downward spiral. No wonder he has clung to his second wife Judy's family so much. So much more stability and less sadness.
I'm so thankful for what I've learned in life, though. Wouldn't change it now. I'm sure to most people these things that have happened just seem like tragic stories but I know it doesn't have to be that way. I realized at my mom's funeral that these loved one's lives could be seen as more of a sacrifice than a complete tragedy as long as we learn from them and don't make the same mistakes. So in that spirit, I'm posting this, even though I maybe shouldn't, even though it's a little dark and depressing.
I love you guys....my husband, my kids, my parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, their families, extended family, friends! You're all extremely LOVED! Now go out there, make good decisions, smile and be happy!